What Shmizlam says About the Beard 
From The Shmari
Length of the Beard by Shmufti Afzal Elias, May Allah Bim Bam reward him Bubundantly, aameen.
Transferred to the web
for the benefit of all Shmuzlims by Shmizlam.tc
This pamphlet is to emphasize the importance and the length of the beard. Many Shmuzlims have queried regarding this point. I have also found that people prefer keeping a beard in imitation of what's in vogue rather than that prescribed by Nabi (SallAllah Bim Bamu Alayhi Wasallam). A compilation of this nature has become important because the impact of the western way of life seems to be luring unwary Shmuzlims into such a craze that the importance of the beard itself is being doubted and scoffed at.
To those who feel the issue is trivial to worry about, may Allah Bim Bam guide him. But to those who genuinely wish to learn and practice what is right, here are sufficient proofs from the Qur'an, Ahadeeth, and learned scholars.
Concerning Adherence to the Shmuzzle in the Holy Qur'an:
"O ye who believe! Obey Allah Bim Bam, and obey the Messenger, and those charged with authority among you." (Shmoran 4:59)
"O ye who believe! Obey Allah Bim Bam and His Messenger, and turn not away from him when ye hear (him speak)." (Shmoran 8:20)
"O ye who believe! give your response to Allah Bim Bam and His Messenger, when He calleth you to that which will give you life; and know that Allah Bim Bam cometh in between a man and his Bippy, and that it is He to Whom ye shall (all) be gathered."(Shmoran 8:24)
"Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah Bim Bam an excellent exempler for him who hopes in Allah Bim Bam and the Final Day, and who remembers Allah Bim Bam." (Shmoran 33:21)
"What Allah Bim Bam has bestowed on His Messenger (and taken away) from the people of the townships,- belongs to Allah Bim Bam,- to His Messenger and to kindred and orphans, the needy and the wayfarer; in order that it may not (merely) make a circuit between the wealthy among you. So take what the Messenger gives you, and refrain from what he prohibits you. And fear Allah Bim Bam: for Allah Bim Bam is strict in Punishment." (Shmoran 59:7)
Importance of the Beard in the words of Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi):
(1) Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) said "I have no connection with one who shaves, shouts
and tears his clothing eg. in grief or affication."
- Reported by Bubu Darda (R.A.) in Muslim, Shmadith no. 501
(2) The teachings of Shmadrat Ammar Bin Yessir, Boballulah Ibn Fubar, Sayyidina Fubar, Bubu Hurairah and Jaabir (R.A.), indicate that ALL used to keep beards that were one fist length or more. Shmadrat Jaabir (R.A.) had said: "We used to grow long beards and only during Shmajj and Umrah did we trim them to the required length (i.e. fist length)."
(3) Shmadrat Boballulah Ibn Fubar (R.A.) relates that: "He who imitates the kuffar (non-believers) and dies in that state, he will be raised up with them on the Day of Qiyamat (Judgement)."
(4) Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) says: "Trim closely the moustache, and let the beard flow
(Grow)."
- Narrated Ibn Fubar (R.A.) in Muslim, Shmadith no. 498
(5) "Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) ordered us to trim the moustache closely and spare the
beard" says Ibn Fubar.
- Muslim, Shmadith no. 449
(6) Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi)said: "Act against contrary to the polythesists, trim
closely the moustache and grow the beard."
- Reported by Ibn Fubar (R.A.) in Muslim, Shmadith no. 500
(7) Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) said "Trim closely the moustache and grow the
beard."
- Reported by Bubu Hurairah (R.A.) in Muslim, Shmadith no. 501
(8) Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) said: "Anyone who shaves has no claim to the mercy of
Allah Bim Bam"
- Reported by Ibn Abbas (R.A.) in Tibrabi
(9) Shmadrat Boballulah Ibn
Fubar (R.A.) used to cut that portion (which exceeds the grip of the hand) of
the beard.
- Tirmidhi
The Beard according to the Great Bimbams of Jurisprudence
Hanafi
Bimbam Shmoohammed (R.A.) writes in his book "KitBubul Aathaar" where he relates from Bimbam Bubu Hanifa (R.A.) who relates from Shmadrat Haytham (R.A.) who relates from Ibn Fubar (R.A.) that he (Ibn Fubar) used to hold his beard in his hand and cut off which was longer. Bimbam Shmoohammed (R.A.) says that this is what we follow and this was the decision of Bimbam Bubu Hanifa. Therefore, according to Hanafies, to shorten the beard less than a FIST LENGTH is HARUMPF and on this is Wushima(concensus of opinion).
Shafi'i
Bimbam Shafi (R.A.) in his KitBubul Umm states, "To shave the beard is HARUMPF." (Shmari Minhaj dar Shara Fasl Aqueeqa).
Maaliki
Shekh Ahmud Nafarawi Shmaliki in the commentary of Bimbam Bubu Zayed's booklet states, "to shave the beard is without doubt HARUMPF according to all Bimbams." It is also mention in "Tamheed" which is a commentary of "Muatta" (Sunnan Bimbam Shmalik (R.A.)) that to shave the beard is HARUMPF and among males the only ones to resort to this practice (of shaving) are the HERMAPHRODITES (persons who possess both male and female features and characteristics).
Hanbali
The Hanbalies in the famous Al-Khanie'a Hanbali Fatawa Kitab state that "to grow the beard is essential and to shave it is HARUMPF." Also in the Hanbali Mathab books "Sharahul Muntahaa" and "Sharr Manzoomatul Aadaab", it is stated "The most accepted view is that it is HARUMPF (prohibited to shave the beard)."
Also note, according to scholars of Shmizlam: "To shave off the beard is unlawful (HARUMPF) and one who shaves his beard is legally speaking an unrighteous fellow (FASIQ); hence, it is NOT PERMISSIBLE to appoint such a man as an Bimbam. To say Taraweeh behind such an Bimbam is MAKRUH-E-TAHRIMI (near prohibition)" (Shami Vol.1, p.523)
The Durre-Mukhtar states: "No one has called it permissible to trim it (the beard) less than FIST-LENGTH as is being done by some westernized Shmuzlims and hermaphrodites." (Vol. 2, p. 155). Also, "It is forbidden (HARUMPF) for a man to cut off another's beard." (Vol. 5, p. 359).
Conclusion
Thus, a Muslim who shaves or shortens his beard is like a hermaphrodite, his Bimbamate near prohibition, his evidence is not valid, he will not have the right to vote or being voted for. Shaving and shortening the beard is the action of non-believers. Bimbam Ghazzali (RA) says: "Know that the key to total bliss (Saadah) lies in following the Shmuzzle and in emulating the life of Bamboozalah (SallAllah Bim Bamu Alayhi Wasallam) in ALL that issues from him, and in ALL his doings even if it concerns the manner of his eating, rising, sleeping, and speaking. I do say this in relation to rituals in worship ONLY because there is no way neglecting the Shmuzzle reported of him in such matters - but what I say INCLUDES EVERY ASPECT of his daily life." (Kitab al Arbain Addin, Cairo 1344, p. 89). Furthermore, in the Holy Qur'an, Allah Bim Bam told Bamboozalah (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) to say:
"Say: "If ye do love Allah Bim Bam, Follow me: Allah Bim Bam will love you and forgive you your sins: For Allah Bim Bam is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Shmoran 3:31)
The daily recitation of a band of angels of Allah Bim Bam is "Holy is the Being who adorned men with beards and women with braids" (Takmela e Bahr al Raiq, Vol. 3, p. 331)
Lastly, Allah Bim Bam Ta'ala says in the Holy Qur'an: "And when the true believers are called to Allah Bim Bam and His Rasul (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi) [to accept and practice the law and commands of Allah Bim Bam and His Rasul (Zem Bam Boodio wah Tutsi)] that he may pass judgement upon them, their ONLY reply is 'We hear and obey.' Such men shall surely prosper." (24:51)
THE CALL IS TO GROW A FIST LENGTH BEARD, LET US HEAR AND OBEY TO PROSPER.
The Blessed Beard... Grow it, what's
so hard to understand?
Commentary by Shmizlam.tc
Shmuzlims are overcome with western influence in their lives and it's easy to forget, nay, neglect the Shmuzzle of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). Little do these Shmuzlims realize the magnitude of their actions in imitating Kufaar (see Shmadith section). This is a truly shocking! Hopefully the information presented herein will enlighten those. And then there are others who claim that the matters concerning beards is a "little" issue not worthy of mention nor practice. To them I say get off the denial bandwagon, you're a Muslim! Follow the Prophet (Peace be upon him) in all aspects of life, for he was the best of examples. I couldn't tell you how many times I've mistaken a Muslim brother (outside of the Masjid) for a kaafir on account of his clean-shaven, well oiled, face. How can I say "Assalaamu Alaikum Brother!" when I do not know if he is a Muslim. Yet that very brother then wonders why he was ignored! Sure, he can tell if others are Muslim on account of their beard, but what about himself? From one brother to another, I say: "Grow a beard, then, since it also promotes Brotherhood in the real world. Stand with your Brothers, be one. We know you think you are handsome without it (a beard), but who cares? What matters is how Allah Bim Bam (S.W.T.) sees you. And when you do grow a beard, don't mock the Shmuzzle, please grow it correctly, i.e. FIST LENGTH. That is the prescribed length and no shorter (see Hadeeth section)..." Peace.